I recently sat down with Cindy and made the following statement – “I’m becoming more like my dad each and every day”.

 

The problem with that statement – I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE MY DAD.

 

Before anyone passes judgement on me you must first understand why I make this statement.  Walk a mile in my shoes, the phrase goes, and you’ll understand why it is pertinent in the following discussion.

I have recently noticed that my attitude and response in anger towards simple things and events reminded me of my Dad.  I don’t have red hair (or used to) for nothing – it seems the anger is manifesting itself through my actions.

In retrospect, I had a great Dad growing up – in terms of providing for his family.  My family had everything we needed  – my brother and I even had TVs in our rooms back when some homes only had 1 or 2.  We were very fortunate in the things we had and how our parents provided for us.  But with this provision also came the understanding that my Dad had to find work to provide for us, which was mainly out of town.  He spent less and less time with us – and seemed to react to us differently.  It seemed we could never please him or solicit his approval in what we were doing.  My mom was the one who took the time with us and supported us in everything we did.

This all came to a head when my parents divorced in my senior year of high school.  My dad split and had a new family and we were left to pick up the pieces.  My mom has always been a rock to me in my life – and I saw how she handled these events with true humility and compassion.  She never said a cross word towards my father in front of my brother and I, even though all circumstances in the divorce was due to his sinful actions.  She did this so my brother and I would not respond in a negative way towards our father.

I tried in the first few years to mend ways with my father.  I would take off and spend a few days with him and his new family.  But each and every time when I tried to establish contact the first meeting or two would be fine but once I would leave and I couldn’t be back in a few days my dad would accuse me failing to forgive him for the divorce.  It was really tiring on me – because I felt I had bent over backwards to try and please him.

In 1995 my mother was introduced to a gentleman, Clarence, who had recently lost his first wife to cancer.  After a whirlwind dating period of less than one month they were engaged and married in April 1996.  Over the course of the past 12 years I have learned 10x more from Clarence about how to be a husband and love your wife than I ever did from my father.  Clarence has given my mother the kind of love she has deserved – and I am grateful to him for this.

Later in 1996 I was introduced to my wife and we dated and became engaged to be married.  When I went to share the good news with my father he instead replied that I was trying to have an instant family.  I ignored the comment and even had my father stand as my Best Man at our 1997 wedding.

Unfortunately, I learned that my father hadn’t changed his ways about a year into our marriage.  Cindy and I had learned that we were expecting Brayden.  I had not spoken to my father in a couple months at the time and had not informed him of our good news yet.  He called for me one afternoon and got Cindy on the phone.  He then took the time to unleash his frustration on Cindy.  I have learned one thing in my life and that is this – there are 2 people in my life you don’t unleash on: my mother and my wife.  My father’s tirade upset my wife and I broke off all relations with my father.  I have not spoken to my father in the last 10 years.

Are there days I regret this and seek to contact him?  Most every day I do.  I long to see my father accept me as I am today and to see his 2 grandsons, who have never known their grandfather, and my daughter, who he last saw over 10 years ago.  I think about it often in hopes I will one day hear the words from my father “Well done Son”.

So, in these days, I do not want to be like my father.  I want to be the father who is always there for my kids – even if I can not provide the best for them.  I want to be the father who calms and sooths, yet disciplines and corrects my children in hope they grow up to be the best they can be for God and my family.

I want my kids to want to grow up to be like me - a father who strives to be more like Christ each and every day.

God Bless, Sam.